I am so bad at this

So that died, the whole be a regular blogger thing. Like I mentioned in the previous post, it’s been a crazy semester. The irony is that originally I wanted to blog to deal with the craziness, get my thoughts out, organize them. Therapeutic blogging.

I also wanted to document my process in applying to Med School, and that hasn’t really happened either. Long story short, the process sucks, but more on that later. Later, as in I’ll do another post on that. (Really, I will.)

The final thing, and one of the biggest reasons for this blog was to deal with my mini-faith crisis. Well what happened was that faith crisis wasn’t so mini, nor did I write down my feelings and thoughts about it. What did happen was a lot of talking to myself in the car. And, I’ve decided to leave the  faith of my childhood. The walls all came crashing down, the foundation was swept away, and I no longer believe that the Mormon Church is true like it proclaims. I have now become aware that the church is full of lies. It was (is) a heart-wrenching, painful, and yet liberating process. I haven’t fully left yet, but I will someday. Guess I’m going to have to change my about. I just have to choose my timing carefully, because my family is going to be very upset over this piece of news. My husband, certainly was. He told me that my leaving the church, was worse than if he’d caught me cheating on him. Yeah, really, he said that, and meant it. That’s one of the things that bugs me about the LDS church; it claims to be an institution that promotes families, but really it just uses them as emotional blackmail and destroys families. I think I’ll end this rant here, before I get too upset, at some point I am going to try to articulate all the reasons why, but now know.

So here is one more post that is about nothing really, but there will be more in the very near future.

Still here!

I don’t have an idea in mind for this post. I just wanted to let the internet know I’m still alive. My poor blog was feeling lonely and unloved, so I feel like I should write something.

This semester has been crazy busy! My horrendous course schedule is to blame for the quietness of my blog. There is one class I’m taking, Women’s Health, that had a ridiculous amount of reading to do. If you could look at my assignments in Outlook (I love Outlook, I’ve recently been converted, and it’s fast becoming a best friend) you’d notice a highly disproportionate amount of the work is for that class. As much as I love the material, I’m hating this course, it’s wearing me down.

On the med school front, things have been quiet.  Dreadfully, unfortunately quiet. Okay, that’s not the complete truth. I just barely got an interview offer for some time in December. I was so happy to get that one interview offer, I really needed some form of positive feedback in this horrible process. I was getting so worried and so anxious. I wound up adding a whole host of school to the already lengthy list of schools I’m applying to in my paranoid, anxiety-filled state.

Oh yes, on the home front. Things have gotten a lot better at home. Hubby and I are getting along much better now. We’re trying this new semi-openness thing. Everything is out there, but somethings just don’t get dug into very deep. It’s this odd stage that goes something like: I feel x, and situation relating to x has been weighing heavily on my mind, but don’t ask too much more about that. Yeah, I don’t know. It’s not going to work in the long run, but right now it’s pretty good.

Another side note. I’d previously mentioned my dilemma about taking a job or not. Well I did, not the job I was originally debating about. Another job opportunity popped up that paid more, so with that little added financial incentive I conceded at went to work. However, it is an absolutely horrible job. I hate it. Every time I go to work I just sit there and think, if I wanted to spend my time cleaning up crap after other people who haven’t learned how to pick up after themselves, well then I would’ve just stayed home with my daughter. Oh yeah, my job is cleaning up labs and generally be at the beck and call of mean grad student.

And for the last bit of news, I’m now on anti-depressants. I’ve been struggling with postpartum depression for two years, but in my stubborn mind and with my odd convoluted sense of logic, I’d been refusing help. But I finally gathered some courage and wits about me long enough to make that phone call. At first she, the doctor, actually a nurse-practioner, gave me the oh-so-common Prozac. That was a disaster. It completely wiped me out. I felt like a narcaleptic, shortly after I’d take the pill, I’d start nodding off, and no matter how hard I fought it I’d fall asleep. It wasn’t just a short nap either, it was hours and hours long. I’d sleep for 12 hours or more, completely dead to the rest of the world. When I did wake up it was a for a quick bite to eat and then a bathroom break, then I was back in bed. I pretty much slept for an entire week. After that catastrophy, the NP put me on Wellbutrin, which is going okay. It’s not fantastic, I feel like I’m at 75% of potential, like there is something better out there. However, I’m not willing to keep playing medicine roulette. The next try might be something like the Prozac, or worse, and I can’t handle that right now in the middle of the semester. I’m going to try again in December after school is out. I’m going to continue the Wellburtin for now, much to the dismay of my checkbook. I paid almost $100 for one month’s worth! I don’t have the income to just budget in an extra hundred dollars. Hopefully with  the next try in two months,  I’ll find something that works fantastically and is a little cheaper.

Well that’s it for now, I’ll try to keep it under month this time until my next post.

Rape Culture & Shared Pain

In the past two weeks I have become very busy! School has started, so life has really started to pick up.

Well, while I was on campus today I had a very troubling interaction. A club on campus decided to prop a giant cardboard wall, with a sign that said “Wall of Free Speech, write anything you want.”  Near the bottom corner someone had written “The textbook return process if RAPE.” Someone else had written next to that “Using the word rape so frivolously spreads rape culture, and demeans the crime many women have experienced.” (That person may or may not have been me.)

While walking buy later I heard some guy snort and comment, “That’s so stupid, what the heck is rape culture anyways?” Of course I stopped and attempted to explain what rape culture meant to him. I went off on my little rant, about how as a high school student I was told that I needed to be careful to dress modestly, showing too much skin would attract a creep who would rape me, effectively blaming the victim as much as the creep. And that sort of thing doesn’t just happen in my small, religious town. A police officer in Toronto, Michael Sanguinetti, said that women should avoid rape by not “dressing like a slut.” In 1999 Italy ruled that a woman in jeans couldn’t be raped, because a man couldn’t get the pants off of her, without her consent. Obvious bogus. In Texas an 11-year old was gang raped, and community members protected the boys, claiming she drew them in my dressing older than her age. And then there is the whole issue where a woman’s sexual history has been used against her when she’s tried to prosecute her attacker.

Of course other things contribute to rape culture. Like this boy’s complacent attitude, if rape isn’t seen as a big deal, if others don’t understand that these women do not walk away with “no [lasting] harm done,” it will give the impression that rape is okay. If boys are continouly glorified for being a stud, for having sex with multiple girls, while girls are cherished for purity and chastity, if will spread the idea of male dominance over women. If violence is seen as sexy, it contributes to rape culture. The phrase “You’re so sexy, I can’t help myself.” lends itself to rape culture, making rape seem like a compliment, a natural result of her beauty.

I went off on this rant. The stupid boy just responded by saying, “It’s just a word. Girls can choose to be offended or not.” He further went on to say, “I can say it if I want. When I say something like ‘I raped that game’ it just meant I won, it doesn’t mean anything else.” He just didn’t understand the point that statement made. It makes him “raping” something a good thing, it showed his excellence and dominance, further spreading this idea that rape isn’t so bad. I wasn’t very good at explaining anything, I was getting pretty mad. But he just wouldn’t get it, how it normalized and trivialized the crime, and demeaned the suffering of so many women. Two other men piped up and tried to help explain my point. Finally the boy said something like “Well yeah, but it would different if I said it to a rape victim.” At that moment I was furious. I stepped right up in his face and yelled, “How do know that I’m not a rape victim?” I motioned to the several women around the area, “With 1 in 4 women college students being raped, someone here probably is. That’s my point it’s way to common, and no one thinks a thing about it.” He shrugged a whatever, and said I had stupid logic, and once again, it’s just a word, it’s my choice to be upset by it, he can do whatever he wants. I was so mad I just called him a pig and walked off.

The point of this post was not to explain what rape culture is, I’m not very articulate about that sort of stuff. Though if you do want to, please click on this link, this is an amazing overview of the terrible rape culture that is embedded into our Western culture. (This is another article you should read.)  The point of this article was to give an overview of an experience I had today. After that horrible incident, I walked off, sat on the grass and held back tears. I was shocked at myself, at how vehemently I reacted. I didn’t really understand why I was so hurt and angry. I will be honest and clear that I have not been a victim myself, nor has anyone close to me (that I know of). So why was I shaking and near tears at this? I’ve realized that there is a feminine wound. And that all of us women bear some burden of this rape culture, even those of us who have not been victims. I am not diminishing their pain in any way, or even saying that I understand it, I don’t. But no matter what, by being female, rape has touched all our lives in some way. It’s the fact that I have to be cautious and wary, because it could be me. It’s there every time I look at the stars and think how nice it would be to talk a midnight walk, but I can’t because that would be risky and I’m terrified.  It is something I’m gravely aware off anytime I’m alone with a male. Because of this and more, there is a fear that is in all of us females. This fear isn’t the only reason that I, and all women share in the feminine wound that rape has given us, but forgive me, I do not know how to articulate the rest. And while this culture persists, we will all share some of the pain our sisters have been afflicted with.

 

Dear boy,

I hope someday you will understand. I hope your view will change from thinking we are too sensitive, to the thought that you shouldn’t be do insensitive. I hope someday you will change your tune. I hope that your spirit will cry out to the female spirit and say, “I’m sorry.” But above all boy, please don’t ever hurt a woman.

Hello World!

Apparently when you start a blog at Word Press there is a default post with the title Hello World, and then basic instructions on writing a post. The title made me think of the Lady Antebellum song by the same name. I had never really liked that song, though I am a big fan of Lady Antebellum. Well, that title inspired me to go look up the music video for the song.

And now I love the song. Suddenly I relate to it so much more. I get the message – take the time to stop and enjoy life, hug your family, smell the roses, soak in the happy moments, appreciate what the world has given you. The problem with having a child is that suddenly every child in a video becomes your child. It doesn’t matter that my child is 2, and the girl in the video is around 7 (I’m wildly guessing on that age). I can’t help but think about what if that was my daughter. It’s the same with any show I watch. It doesn’t just tug at my heart strings, it yanks. That short video had my eyes watering, and yes I went and hugged my daughter right after watching it.

Speaking of Lady Antebellum I love their latest single, Just a Kiss. It makes me laugh so hard. I feel like it’s the Mormon Dating Anthem. The whole idea of waiting for someone your whole life, sexual restraint bringing you closer, pushing too far messing things up, and being okay with just a kiss. It’s like all the Youth lectures on the all important Chastity rolled into one catchy, Disney-happy song.

Well I guess that’s my first post, all about Lady A. Well, to round it completely out I’ll leave with my favorite song of theirs, Need You Know. The harmony of their voices is just beautiful and haunting.

Now Goodbye World!